- Morning.
- Nice one.
- Thanks, Paul.
Looking good, by the way.
Lost some weight?
- Cut out sugar.
- Well, it's working.
Wrong room.
As you were.
Hi.
I'm sorry to bother you.
You couldn't just give us a minute, could you?
- Of course.
- Hi, Patrick.
- Aw, thank God you're here!
The lads, they were having a laugh.
- It's time to go.
- Yeah, of course, great.
I wasn't.
I thought it was a normal bar.
- You're getting married in 11 hours.
- Yeah.
Wicked.
- Outside in five?
- I might need a bit of a hand with the...
- Okay, ladies.
I don't need to remind you
that today is a huge day for us.
Footballer's weddings are the Mogadishu of the PR calendar,
the perfect fucking storm
of brainless overpaid wankers
given the night off from running around kicking things.
They will fight.
They will drink.
They will try to put their penises into everything.
Next time, it will be a glass.
Remember, footballers are pack animals so stay in pairs.
Alongside them will be the usual array of chair fillers
who would attend the opening of a fridge
if they thought it would get
them name checked by Perez Hilton.
It's down to us to ensure that things run smoothly,
that our clients get the inches for the right reasons,
and we avoid deaths, rapes, and legal suits.
We control the agenda.
This means everyone on point.
No hangovers, no menstruating, no substances
which might impair your professional judgement.
You can speedball you tiny tits off
if it makes you better at your job,
but if it affects your work, and thus my work,
then when you get home,
you shall find me hiding under your bed with a garden hose
and a length of razor wire.
Tonight, you will earn your fucking money.
We are the guardians of the galaxy.
Don't fuck it up.
Go.
- Okay, make sure you've got your clothes for tonight
as there will be none of this going home to change bollocks.
Sexy, not slutty, or you will get touched.
Hard copies of the guest list, seating plans.
I want faces in full view of the cameras
in order of importance.
- How do I know who's more important?
- Write them on a sliding scale from royals and Olympians
to made in Chelseas
and the exes of Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandi.
Fanny.
- Only Olympians who have won medals
and Winter Olympics don't count.
- Unless of course they're super hot
in which case, they get a by.
- Got it.
- All phones should be taken on entry, no exceptions,
plus any recording devices.
IPads, GoPros, fucking Etch A Sketches.
Medal detector, full frisk,
rubber glove and Vaseline treatment if necessary.
It's only gonna take one Instagram to blow the Hello! deal.
- Last celebrity wedding I went to,
I ended up doing shots of Frangelico
in a hot tub with the Pussycat Dolls.
The redhead who looks like a sex robot from the future
decided to show off her standing splits.
Kicked Claudia Winkleman in the face.
Chipped a tooth.
She had to have it veneered.
-I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere.
- Is Sam coming tonight?
- Yes, he is.
He's been a Chelsea supporter since he was a kid.
- Fun.
No, really.
Tom will be there too so it will be like a play date.
- So you two are?
-I'min love with him so.
I know, annoying, isn't it?
That shit always gets in the way of a good relationship.
- Thank you so much.
Bye!
Balls!
- What?
- Stormzy's just pulled out.
That's like the fifth one this morning.
- What are our numbers now?
-11.
That's including three Sky Sports news presenters.
- Sky Sports hotties or Sky Sports hairy old men?
- One hottie, two hairy old men.
- Balls.
What's our quota?
Hello! want 15 with at least six aids.
Melody?
Make some calls, round up some more people.
- But the wedding's in four hours.
- Why are you still talking to us then?
- What if I can't find anyone?
- Then find yourself a new job.
- You have to get paid to call it a job.
- Oh, punchy. I like it.
Has anyone ever told you
you look skinnier when you stand up for yourself?
- Anyone who has something to promote
and wants a free dinner.
Tell them that you made some phone calls
and you managed to blithe them an invite
to the wedding of the decade.
- God, look at this place.
It's like Patrick Bateman went on Queer Eye.
Speaking of which.
- Robyn.
Yes.
Right, fellas.
This is Robyn, my PR.
That's Eve and that's Melody.
You guys alright to while I chat, yeah?
Alright, sweet.
Thank you for last night.
If it's alright, could we not discuss this in front of...
- Patrick, relax.
- Okay, great.
Has anyone got any coke?
- It's 10 past 10.
- I've got some.
- Eve, go check on the bridesmaids.
- Fine.
Come on, Bilbo.
- You excited?
- Yeah!
Have you seen the pagoda in the garden?
The decorators are getting swans and shit out there.
It's gonna be sick.
-I'msure itis.
How's Bianca?
- I don't know.
Do you reckon a baby blue suit would look good
or is that a bit gay?
- I think it will be perfect.
Do you remember everything we discussed?
Hello! is gonna be here until 5:00 p.m.
so until that moment,
there is absolutely no more booze, no drugs,
no bad behaviour, no Twitter or Insta.
You are prince charming.
And then once all the press clears out
and we've done a sweep to make sure
there's no cameras or recording devices,
you can go back to being the prince of darkness.
Got it?
- Ah!
You've got the speech I wrote for you?
- Mm-hmm.
- And the rings are all in place?
It's a big photo moment, Patrick, so don't fuck it up.
- Yes, all good.
Listen, I need you to meet someone.
Gary?
Yo.
Indecent images were allegedly found
on the hard drive of his computer.
- Gary, this is Robyn who I told you about.
She can fix anything, promise.
I said you'd be able to help him out.
- Mm-hmm, I'll do what I can.
- Okay, look.
You'll keep this to yourself, yeah?
- Of course.
- So I've been suffering with my cruciate
on and off for ages, right?
I spoke to my specialist last week
and he says it's real bad.
He says I've maybe got six months left in my playing career
but after that, I'm shot.
- I'm not really sure how I can help you with that.
- Look, I'm 27.
I ain't plan for this.
I thought I had another four years.
I need money.
I'm broke.
- You're a footballer?
How much do you earn a week?
- Only like 36 grand, but it's all gone now.
You know, living costs.
And I made some bad investments.
I' bought all these fucking racehorses.
And I owe the tax man a lot of money,
I' mean a lot.
Taxes are hard to understand, man.
It's fucking crazy.
- Gary, what exactly is it that you want me to do?
- Look.
Seeing how much Patrick's getting for this wedding like,
I don't mind like wearing whatever,
or doing whatever, or who I go out with.
- Look, Gary.
It's not that easy.
It takes a lot of time and investment.
- I'll do whatever you tell me.
Please.
- Well, we could get you a pop star girlfriend.
Send you to a few parties.
But there's almost nothing
that's gonna make you famous overnight.
- No fucking way.
- You said you'd do anything.
- Yeah, I know, but you can't expect me to do that.
Why not?
‘Cause I got a reputation.
- Maybe your reputation could pay off the tax man.
- Nah, come on.
There must be another way.
- In the timeframe you're proposing, no.
That's why she's a genius.
- Someone's gonna do it.
This is your chance to get in first.
Listen to me.
If managed correctly,
the first openly gay premiership football player
is gonna make millions.
Fact.
Think about the coverage.
Think about the exposure.
- Look at Tom Daley and he falls in a pool for a living.
- It's monumental.
You're gonna be a role model, a game changer.
We're talking endorsements, ambassador roles,
New Years honours, chat shows.
You're gonna be inspiring millions
with your bravery and strength
to stand up in the face of adversity,
to be true to yourself, to stick it to the haters.
You'll make a difference.
- But I'm not gay!
-So?!
The premiership's riddled with gay footballers
pretending to be straight.
What's the difference?
- Nah, what about all the shit I'll get from the stands?
- Sticks and stones, babe.
Suck it up.
So you have to listen to 40 thousand neanderwankers
screaming that you take it up the ass for six months?
It'll be character building.
- You'll be the one laughing
when they give you the captain seat on A Question of Sport.
Look, we've got a truckload of press
showing up in four hours.
Opportunities like this don't come along every day.
Are you in or not?
- What do you think?
- I don't know, you know.
I mean, obviously I'm straight so it's hard for me to like.
All 'm saying is that they know their shit.
- Nah, but like.
But would I have to do any like gay stuff?
- You do a few sweaty shoots for Attitude
and you tell the world's press
that you want to keep your private life private.
- And just sit back and start counting your pink pounds.
- What's it gonna be?
- I better call my dad.
- Yes, I'm pretty sure there's a vegan option,
but I can check.
Gluten? Okay, yep.
Look, I promise you I will find you something to eat
even if I have to go into the forest and forage it myself.
Please.
Okay, yes, yes.
Get back to me.
Okay, I'm nearly there.
I'm lacking in quality so I've had to plant for quantity.
So for not including footballers,
I'have got four soap stars, three sports presenters,
five reality TVs, two celebrity chefs,
a boxer, two Paralympians, one Egghead,
two sixth of McBusted, Danny Dyer,
and a partridge in a pear tree.
- Great. We need a beard.
- A what?
- Sorry, not a beard.
A reverse beard.
What's the opposite of a beard?
- A shave?
What are we talking about?
- Melody, this is Gary.
We need a gay man to pretend to be his boyfriend
so that Gary can pretend to be gay.
- Now, you've lost me.
- Oh, what about him from Coronation Street?
He's gay.
- He's actually straight.
He just plays gay.
I think that's gonna be too confusing.
- Can it not be someone too gay?
You know, what about that rughy dude?
- Okay, so you need a gay man
to be the boyfriend of a straight man
so that he can convince the world that he's not straight?
- Exactly.
- We need the male equivalent of Taylor Swift.
- But not too famous to overshadow Gary,
but famous enough that they're willing
to spend six months of their lives
pretending to go out with a straight footballer
just to get their picture in the papers.
- Oh, no, I think I have the guy!
Jay Burns.
He starred on this reality show called Holiday Reprobates
and then he had a brief appearance
on like Britain's Got Talent, X-Factor,
Holly & Fearne Go Dating,
and a fleeting appearance on This Morning
where he had this live colonoscopy on air with Dr. Chris.
He's camp as Christmas and he would literally
beat his own mother to death with a claw hammer
if he thought it would get him on the telly.
- He sounds perfect.
- Really?
- Okay, get him on the phone.
Get him here ASAP.
Eve, you start working on the press release
and get Gary a Grindr account.
You, let's go break the news to your teammates.
- Oh, can I come? - What, now?
- Gary, you're here.
You're queer.
Get used to it.
- You're what?
- Yeah.
I'm like a proper gay.
- Shit, man.
I've shared the bath with you.
- We all have.
- This is so fucked up.
- Okay, guys.
I' understand that this is going to come as a bit of a shock
but what Gary has done today takes a lot of balls
and I'm sure he'd appreciate it
if you all just got behind him.
Bad choice of words.
My point being you need to support him.
Don't you think so, Patrick?
- Yeah, I mean as a straight man,
obviously it's not something I can personally understand,
but you know, you're still my friend and everything so.
- Thanks, mate.
- Okay, look.
I appreciate it must take a lot of nerve
to come out and say this to us.
It's just gonna take some time to time get used to, innit?
- Yeah.
You never like when we are getting changed and that.
- No, of course not!
You're not my type.
- What is your type?
- I don't know.
That rughy dude.
- Do you have a boyfriend or?
- Yeah, a guy called Joe. - Jay.
- Jay.
- And now you say it, it sort of makes sense.
- What?
- You know, sometimes you can be a bit.
- Okay, right.
This has been hugely inspiring
seeing how supportive we've all been.
Well done.
- What about Samantha?
-Who?
- His girlfriend.
- Excuse me for just a sec.
Samantha's on the market.
- You didn't tell me you have a girlfriend.
- You never asked.
- Well, how long have you been together?
- A couple of years.
- Oh for fuck's sake.
- Look, she'll be cool, man, serious.
Who do you think spends all my money for me?
- Okay, it's fine.
We'll just have to say that Samantha was your beard
to cover up your relationship
with your new reverse beard, Jay.
And Jay will have to cover up
for your and Samantha's relationship.
So as far as anyone else is concerned,
she's now your hag and you're her GBF.
Got it?
Okay, well this has been a good talk.
I'm sure we all feel much better
and get dressed 'cause the guests will be arriving soon.
- Robyn, Jay's here.
- Hiya.
- I need you to look after something for me.
- What?
Eve.
Are these drugs?
- Oh relax.
They'll be handing them out like canapes later.
- Why are you giving them to me?
- Oh just you know, Tom's off it
so I just don't want him to have to find any in my bag.
It's no big deal.
- Oh my god, that's so cute.
- Stop it.
- You really like him, don't you?
- Just take the fucking cocaine, okay?
If you mention this to anyone,
I will stab you in your sleep.
- Absolutely.
- Christ, imagine if a bomb went off.
We'd knock out the MailOnline for a week.
Alright?
You've got that Tess Daly
dead behind the eyes thing going on.
- It's fine.
We all good?
- Well, Bianca looks like a toilet paper doll from the '70s
which I believe is the desired look.
Hello! are quote-un-quote very happy with the turnout.
Press are all in place
and I've prepped them for an extra announcement
after all the photos are done.
- If you were a real woman, I'd make you my wife.
- Don't make promises you can't keep.
- I take it that's Samantha?
Will you deal with that please?
We don't need a hysterical spanner in the works.
- On it like a nun in a cucumber field.
- Status update.
- I'm scared to say that I think we're good to go.
I just heard the news about Calvin.
Did you know that was happening?
- Do you think it would have happened if I didn't?
The wolves are ever circling, dear.
You just need to know when to throw them the meat.
The company has withdrawn its services from Mr. Cooper.
We're shocked and appalled to hear the allegations
and prior to the emergence of these recent claims,
we were unaware of any impropriety involving Calvin Cooper.
Had we known, we would never have represented him.
It's about integrity, right?
Karma's a witty bitch.
Thank God for anonymous tipsters.
Yours? -Mm.
- Be careful bringing him into this world.
It's terrifying for them seeing the real you.
- You look fit!
Is this alright?
- You look great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- I was going for virgin at school disco.
- I'm thinking more day in juvenile court.
- Oh, edgy.
Yeah, I think I'l go with that.
You know, I've actually not worn this suit
since my nan's funeral and in fact, yeah, there it is.
Order of service.
- That's not creepy at all.
- This is a bit posh, innit?
Yeah, see, I knew I should have kept up with the football.
This could have been us
though obviously with I was footballer,
I'd probably be going out
with that blond one from Little Mix and not you.
Oh my god.
That's Manuel Lanzini!
-Isn't he alittle short to be a footballer?
-No, look.
All the best footballers were short
like Maradona, Messi, Chicharito, the little pea.
- Who the hell is Chicharito, the little pea?
- Don't say that... - Robyn!
- Hey.
- Wow.
You look amazing.
- Aw, thank you.
Tom, this is my boyfriend Sam.
Sam, this is Eve's boyfriend Tom.
- Good to.
Sam, nice to meet you, Sam.
- Good to meet you too.
Yeah, I didn't know Eve had a boyfriend.
- 1 told you that.
- It's very early days.
We should probably grab our seats.
- Oh, speak of the devil!
- And she will appear.
How you doing, gorgeous?
-I'm good.
- Ah, I see you went for a blue suit then which is good
because I do actually still
have some accounts that need doing.
- Yeah, what's that?
15 seconds.
That must be a new record.
- So you two have met then?
Tom used to be a ballet dancer
and I know what you're thinking, but he's actually straight.
Show him first position, babe.
Second.
It's pretty impressive, right?
- All sorted with Samantha?
- Sweet as a peach.
For some reason when I explained how much money he'd make,
it seemed to calm her right down.
- Hey.
- That's Gary Lauton!
- Babe.
He's talking to me.
- Shall we?
Good to meet you. - You too.
- I want to come out.
- Excuse me?
- All that stuff you said to him,
you know, about being strong and true to yourself.
Making a difference.
I want that!
- You're getting married in 23 minutes.
- I don't love her!
-So?
- So what happened to inspiring millions with your bravery?
- I was talking to him, not you.
- Yeah.
Look, back off, man.
You've got your own shit going on.
I need this.
-Sodol!
- Too late.
I was here first.
- You decided like three hours ago.
- Three hours before you!
- It's not a competition, bruv.
- I'm coming out, okay?
- You're not even gay.
- Neither are you.
You're not.
Shit!
Jesus.
I've shared a bath with you!
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
That's it.
Nobody is coming out.
I can't listen to this shit anymore.
Come out, stay in, get married, don't get married.
Marry each other.
I don't care.
It's all fucking meaningless.
We're sacks of meat collecting shiny things
to make us better than other sacks of meat.
That's it.
What else do you want?
Happiness?
Well, here's some insight for you.
The only happiness that exists in the world
is the happiness you assume everyone else is having
so will you please for once in your pampered,
emotionally stunted lives make a decision
so I can tell the press to piss off
and we can all have a fucking drink?!
- We're gathered here today
to celebrate the union of this woman, Bianca,
and this man, Patrick.
Marriage is the formal joining of two lives
and with that, two bodies of people.
If any person present knows of any lawful impediment
to this marriage, they should declare it now.
- Oh, he's gonna go.
He's going.
You alright?
- Yeah, just got a lot to balance.
Have to make sure it all goes well.
- Did Ruth get back to you yet?
She will, babe.
Just give her time.
I' know it's a load of
but still almost a cockles, eh?
I mean, if you just look at it like it's one big party.
- What?
- Just saying if we were ever so inclined,
I think we could do an amazing wedding.
- I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- Bianca, put your hand up on his chest.
No, Patrick, down.
Now, sort of relax a bit more into it
just like time to enjoy the rest of your lives together.
- Football was my escape, my identity.
Football hid my secret
and gave me more joy than I could have ever imagined.
But the time has come to tell the world the truth
that I am a homosexual.
- Gary Lauton, gay?
Unbelievable.
Did you know this?
- I'd heard rumours.
- Yeah, well, good for him.
Takes a lot of bollocks, that.
I' mean it shouldn't even be a big deal
considering we're living in 2019
and we know how to clone dogs,
but I guess some things progress faster than others.
There is a bad joke in there somewhere
about Chelsea being tired of backfire.
I'm above that.
Oh, it's Jeff Stelling!
Babe, sorry, one second.
- This is going to be huge, you know that.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm going to need you in the office first thing to run it
bright-tailed and bushy-eyed.
Security are going to let the last of press out the door,
do a final sweep,
check there are no photographers
hiding behind potted plants, et cetera.
And from then onwards, we're a media black hole.
- Thank Christ for that.
- Be good.
- Oh, excuse me?
You couldn't bring over a bottle of Zubrowka
and some slimline tonic, could you?
Thanks.
You did great.
It was a great response out there.
I think there's going to be a huge pickup
with the press tomorrow.
You should feel good.
You're gonna make a lot of money.
- Great, great.
Sorry.
- Alright.
Why don't you go get yourself a drink
and I will get this cleared up?
Perfect.
- Sick on your shoes?
It's not even dark outside.
- A sign of a good night.
Are you enjoying your first foothaller's wedding?
- Honestly?
- Why not?
- I am hating every single second of it.
Why?
- It's just weird being here sober.
I' mean, I'd normally have to do a lot of drugs
to get through something like this.
It brings up a lot of stuff.
I can just feel my hand hovering over the fuck it button.
- What?
- The fuck it button.
That thing in your head
when every part of your conscious mind
knows something is a really awful idea
but this one tiny little destructive part,
it just goes fuck it!
Hits the button.
Game over.
- Yup, I've got one of those.
- Your vodka, madam?
- I'm gonna get myself another orange juice.
Alright?
You're through to Craig.
Leave a message after the beep.
That's not the beep.
Pick up the beep.
- Melody?
- Hi.
- Walk with me.
He's the IT boy, right?
- How'd you know that?
- Melody, why do you think
I get to sit in the big glass office
and shout at you all the whole time?
I' know things about people.
It's my job.
Hold it between your fingers, darling.
You're not a shepherd with a dog whistle.
You're not upset because you want him back.
You're upset because you feel guilty about choosing this.
Well, don't.
You're young and smart.
You could actually be good at this, but it's a choice.
- What's the choice?
- This job is a cuckoo's egg.
It gets dropped in your nest with all the other eggs
and at first, it seems manageable.
But once it hatches,
the cuckoo chick grows faster than all the others.
It demands more food, more attention.
It begs louder.
Its beak is always open,
screeching at you to bring it more worms,
and bugs, and insects for it to eat until finally,
all the other chicks have either been pushed out of the nest
or they've died of starvation.
So make the choice.
If you don't want it,
then kick out the egg before it hatches,
but if you do,
then embrace the cold, hard, brutal ambition in your belly.
Don't be ashamed of it.
Celebrate it.
- Do you really think I could be good?
- Sorry.
I thought I already said that.
What, did I stutter?
Just so we're clear, you get one pep talk from me
and that was it.
This is the nicest I will ever speak to you so drink it in.
- Fuck it.
- 1 think you need to keep an eye on your boyfriend.
If he's not careful,
he could become the victim of an aggressive bumming.
It's a drag having him at these things.
It's like having a little brother at your 21st.
- Oh come on.
I think it's sweet.
He's like a boy with cancer who's won a competition.
Oh, I'm not going to drink tonight.
- Stop it.
You're freaking me out.
- I just thought
‘cause of Thomas's whole being boring thing.
- You're gonna make me kill myself.
Please have a drink.
- Okay, fine, but strictly because
your life is in danger, okay?
- This is mental.
Patrick's about to show me his table tennis room.
- Just make sure that's all he shows you.
- Huh?
- Nothing.
Have fun.
Play nice.
- Yes, mum.
Thank you for having a brilliant job.
What a day!
- What's it feel like
to have someone who likes you that much?
- There you are.
You're not turning out on me yet
or do I have to continue standing alone in the corner
talking to strangers pretending I know about football?
- No, we are officially clear.
From now on, if I avoid you,
it's purely personal, not professional.
Oh, oh!
Have no fear!
Amzo is here!
- Who's that?
Amzo.
He's a professional party starter.
- A what?
- He makes sure that people are having enough fun,
drinks, drugs.
Are there enough beautiful people around?
Is the music right?
- Give it 20 minutes and everyone will be loaded,
half naked, and dancing
or fingering each other in the garden.
So which of the bridesmaids do you most want to bang?
- I don't want to bang any of them.
- Oh, don't be so boring.
Come on, play.
I'll tell you which of the ushers I wanted to fuck.
- I'm not really in the mood to be honest.
- The redhead?
She looks like she's filth.
Don't you think, Rob?
The kind of girl that takes you home
and makes you squat on the coffee table.
Or, or, or... - Eve.
- The tubby one at the end.
Not the most attractive, granted,
but you know she'd put the work in.
She'd be like a fat kid with a lollipop.
- Why don't we talk about something else?
- Oh, don't get all
hashtag this is what a feminist looks like.
- Fine.
The blond.
- The blond with big tits?
How dull.
I thought you were more original than that.
- Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
- Well, you can take the boy out of Essex
but you can't change his taste for a basic bitch.
- For Christ's sake, Eve, stop it.
I' know you think it's spiky, and sexy, and French,
but it's not, okay?
Itis tedious.
I'm not gonna get bored of you, okay,
just because we don't have an argument every two minutes.
I like you.
Please, I'm trying to like you.
Please stop making it so hard.
- One, five, and three.
- What?
- Those are the ushers that I wanted to fuck in that order.
Why is everyone so serious the whole time?
Can you deal with that?
- Tom.
- Jesus, it's stupid.
I' know she's winding me up.
I just can't.
She knows how to get under my skin.
- Of course she does.
We're evil geniuses.
I'm awful to Sam.
I mean, really awful.
And I love him genuinely with my whole heart
but sometimes all I want to do is just hurt him profoundly.
- Why?
- Christ knows.
Maybe because his presence
makes me feel like a horrible bitch.
And it's not because he's done anything wrong.
In fact, it's because he's not doing anything wrong.
And he just lets me get away with all this shit.
I'm a monster
and sometimes I just wish he would fucking stop me.
Just scream at me, or leave me, or punch me in the face.
Just anything to stop me.
- We're fucked, aren't we?
- Robyn, you having a good night?
You seen that cake with the cheese?
I don't even like cheese, but it looks amazing.
Happy for how it's gone, yeah.
Look, I just wanted to speak to you.
I just wanted to say thank you,
you know, not because I'm drunk or anything,
but just I wanted to say thank you
for looking out for me and that.
And I spoke to Caroline.
She was super nice, super scary,
but look, I know I don't always get things right,
but that's gonna change ‘cause I'm with 100%.
So whatever you need, whenever you need it.
Okay?
Just tell me.
‘Cause I'm gonna feed the bird
and I'm gonna celebrate it.
- Is that cocaine?
- Yes, yes, yes.
It's alittle bit.
It's Eve's.
Oh God, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay, but maybe I'l just look after it.
- Yes, that's really cool.
Thank you totally.
I really appreciate that, Robyn, thank you.
I'm gonna get a drink.
- Wow.
Jesus Christ.
There itis.
- Oh easy, it's strong.
You okay?
Tom?
- Fuck's sake.
Fuck!
Three fucking years!
-I'm so sorry.
- Christ, Robyn.
I knew you were trouble the moment I first saw you.
- Well, that was weird.
Patrick kept trying to help me out
with my ping pong technique.
It all got a bit grabby.
They don't tell you about that stuff
on Match Of The Day.
Have you seen Robyn about?
- She's fixing Tom for me.
- Where is she?
- Don't know.
- Eve, where is she?
- Shit.
- Melody!
Have you seen Robyn?
Melody?
- Melody, you okay?
- Fuck off, Eve!
Take another shot.
Whoa!
- Yes!
- Robyn? Rob?
- Jesus, would you slow down?
- Robyn!
- Look, we were... - Shut the fuck up.
- Alright, please.
- Mate, justdous alla favour and shut the fuck up!
- Sam.
- You're rotten.
- It better not be my coke.
- Sam!
What are you saying, girl?
- Sam!
- Grab yourself a drink.
- Your man Jay knows this stuff's not for real, right?
He keeps following me around trying to hold my hand.
- Sam, Sam!
- Babe, babe, babe, are you having a good time, yeah?
Listen, listen.
Can you get any more of that gear?
Can you call someone?
Robyn!
- Sam!
What?
- You might want to keep an eye on your friend.
- Oh shit.
Hey!
Get off her.
Get off!
- We're cool, alright?
Leave it.
- No!
You touch her again and I will kill you!
Now, get out!
Out!
- Whatever.
- What were you doing?
-I'mfine.
- No, you're not fine.
- 1 am fine.
- No, no, no.
I need to get you home.
- God damn, just get off me!
I'm not a little girl.
I'am a cuckoo.
I can do this, Robyn.
I can be like you.
- You're fired.
You're fired.
Don't come in on Monday.
- Really?
Oh God.
- I'll take her.
I enjoy putting drunk people to bed.
It makes me feel superior.
- Eve.
- No.
You don't get to say anything.
- Robyn, what are you doing?
- I need to stay here tonight.
- Well, you can't.
- Get Ruth too please - No.
- Ruth?
- Robyn, the kids are in bed.
- Ruth!
- Robyn, just please.
- Ruth! - No.
- Hey.
Just.
I need to stay.
Sam, it's - You'll figure it out.
You always do.
- No.
Not this time.
- Well, you got what you wanted then.
- What's that supposed to mean?
So Mark's home?
- That is my business and if he lies to me again.
I'm a grown up, Robyn.
I'm a mother.
And the idea that you and he need to protect me is
- Ruth.
-No, listen to me.
You don't have to look after me.
You cannot look after me.
You can't even look after yourself.
I love you so much
and I see what you do with everyone.
Itis so clever.
You pull all the strings,
and you spin all the plates,
and you make it all work out
and it's really impressive.
It really is.
But you mustn't do that with me, Rob, okay?
Not with me.
I need you to promise me that you will never lie to me.
You will always tell me the truth.
- Mark kissed me.
- What?
- He was drunk and it was stupid
and it didn't mean anything.
- Why would you tell me that?
- What?
- This, this is when I see her, Rob, mom, in you.
This whirlwind, this spinning,
and spinning, and sucking everything in.
And the thing is that when the whirlwind stops,
there is nothing actually there.
It's just motion, the only thing that is real.
It's the mess that you leave behind.
You followed me here, Robyn.
I just wanted a boring life.
- Cry, you cunt.
♪ You remember the reason why ♪
♪ 1 can'tlook at myself ♪
♪ I've been hunting for tragedy ♪
♪ Found it on the bottom shelf ♪
♪ Oh oh ♪